Gove-anomics 

Following the roaring success of Michael Gove’s “two nation justice system speech” to the Legatum Institute he has been asked to cast his eye over other areas of public life. He has considered how certain endeavours can be improved by applying his glorious logic. Below we publish the results.

The National Football Team

The Lord Chancellor has looked long and hard at sport and, in particular, football. He was at first a little confused as to how “one nation” was in fact divided into four nations with three lions. Once he had it explained that it was a form of devolution he kind of understood it and looked into the thorny problem as to why England have failed at winning the World Cup since 1966. At first he thought it must be the fault of the Human Rights Act. Then he realised we hadn’t just failed in Europe. It was a global problem. 

He looked around for inspiration. In other sports English participants win all the time. He looked at rowing, cycling and darts. The answer was obvious. Roy Hodgson is to be instructed from now on that England’s forward line should consist of Bradley Wiggins and Sir Steve Redgrave. From this day forth Wayne Rooney’s only involvement is to pay the appearance fee of Phil “The Power” Taylor who is to replace Joe Hart in goal. Job done. Football is coming home. 

Policing

At the heart of one nation has to be effective policing. The police service have not been immune to cuts. Numbers have had to fall. Those fatcat police officers just cost too much. Particularly the fatcat dog units. So Mr Gove spent minutes thinking long and hard for the solution. The answer was obvious. Crufts. Those pampered pooches put nothing back into society. So from this point on every best in breed from Crufts has to undertake at least 25 hours per month of pro bono police work. So we can expect “Debonaire’s Hold Me Now”, best of breed Yorkshire Terrier, to be conducting crowd control at a public order disturbance in the streets of London. 

That did not solve the staffing levels. Thousands of officers have been lost in making the jobs of the bankers safer. So what to do? Gove has the answer. He sees the economic success of the Marvel Universe. Millions of dollars being made by Thor, Captain America, Ironman and the Hulk. They are part of the crime fighting community. It is time they stopped fighting aliens in New York and started combatting low level anti-social behaviour in Lewisham. Of course they will have to be properly sworn in as Special Constables and will be expected to wear ill-fitting hi-vis jackets but they will be there. A visible deterrent on our streets. 

The NHS

No nation is truly one nation until you can visit your GP on a Sunday. But how was the NHS going to fund seven day opening? There are plenty of plastic surgeons earning vast sums from private clients after the NHS trained them. They could staff the surgeries on a Sunday. The only concern was that, in a hastily arranged pilot scheme, Bob Smethwick, trucker from Bootle, went to see his GP on a Sunday complaining of haemorrhoids and came away with a prescription for liposuction and a skin peel. 

Undeterred, Gove thought again. The answer was still plastic surgeons. He wondered if the plastic surgeons could help with the police crisis but then realised they would have to be Police Community Support Officers and there were already enough Plastic Coppers. No, they could solve the Sunday GP problem. But instead of being the Sunday GP they could adopt a Sunday GP. So the surgeon pays all the running costs and in return the surgeon and his family get sent a photograph of their adopted GP, a letter every three months and the children of the surgeon are allowed to name the GP and any offspring they may have. Vouchers are available so you can give the gift of GP-Adoption. 

And so it is that we will all become “One Nation Under Gove”. This visionary approach will seep through the nation. The Chief Executives of Weapons Manufacturers will double up as the SAS. Your bins will be emptied by the council. Not council employees, but the councillors themselves. Lewis Hamilton and Nigel Mansell will cut the response times for ambulances. Bankers and politicians will pocket huge pay rises and…err….be bankers and politicians. 

It is time we all bought into this. I say to you “ask not what my country can do for me, but ask how my country can make do and mend”. 

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