We have some exciting news about your tender!
You will recall we promised you your choice of an alarm clock, a voucher for a leading high street store or an “Own Client Contract” just for applying. Unfortunately we have used all our stocks of alarm clocks and vouchers to compensate the Saudi Government for pulling out of our joint venture, “Flog It”, so we are pleased to enclose our promise to you that you can carry on representing your own customers (given to you for nothing, real value is nothing minus 8%).
However, the excitement does not end there. You and your firm have been selected by a rigorous process of quality assurance to win one of our shiny new contracts. Your contract has been selected in Cambridge/Cheshire/Cumbria (please delete as is appropriate to your location, the temp dealing with the “details” is not very good at geography).*
Welcome to the exclusive “Two Tier” club. Your membership of this exclusive group means that you are eligible for huge discounts off the current rates.** In addition to these discounts we are delighted to offer you a holiday.*** We are also pleased to exclusively provide you with the assurance of instability in the coming months as we play “In House Roulette”. Will you or won’t you be able to double your money?
What a fantastic prize. And yet there is more!
We are offering you the chance to enter our fun new game, The Pro Bono Bonus. The concept is simple. You Represent 1 Punter, Do One For Free. Everyone loves a R1PDOFF offer!
Never mind the quality, feel the value.
But the excitement goes on. Accept this once in a five year contract cycle offer and we guarantee to put some of your competitors out of business. These are things that usually only the Mafia can promise. And like the Mafia, this is one offer you can’t refuse.
How can we top this? Well, if you reply today then we are instructed to exclusively offer you an additional contract in either Devon or the Isle of Wight for free.**** You’d be mad not to!
So reply now and start consulting your staff on redundancies, you lucky, lucky bastards.
Mikey “Lord Lotto” Gove
PS Look out for our latest game – Essex CJS. Every entry is a guaranteed winner.
*This is entirely a game of chance, no skill required.
**These discounts are only available off the rates you currently charge.
***The reference to a holiday is a holiday period before further reductions kick in.
****Successful applicants will be expected to pay their own additional expenses such as travel and accommodation.