FOC 

The Criminal Courts Charge is a bad and pointless thing. Everyone knows it, with possibly one exception in the form of C. Grayling MP, TB (Total Buffoon). The problem, it would seem, is that the MOJ budget has been worked out on the basis of the revenue that the Charge is supposed to raise. Until they can replace the income stream, the Charge has to stay. 

Now this is, of course, a total fiction. The Charge will not raise the amount the budget says it will. It is being imposed upon people who will never be able to afford to pay it. It is being imposed on people who are being imprisoned for decades. It is, in one case of mine recently, being imposed upon a man who will be deported before the Charge can even be remitted. The predicted “profit” does not seem to take into account how much administering the collection/remission/ignoring of the Charge will cost. This is budgetary hopeful thinking on a major scale. You may as well include the largesse of the Tooth Fairy in your next mortgage application.

Poor old Michael Gove still has to find away of defending the Charge to the public. Every time he passes Grayling in the corridors of power he must feel like sticking out a foot and sending him flying whilst shouting “Why do I have to look a total berk every week defending the claptrap you left me with?” Although he may be tempted to include a few more words of more base Anglo-Saxon heritage, and would be well justified in so doing. 

But for now, defend it he must. So, through gritted teeth, Gove recently said: “The criminal courts charge is generating revenue, which helps ensure that the taxpayer is not the first port of call for supporting the way in which our courts operate, but it is important that we balance all the criteria in making a judgment on the review of the charge.”

Now there may be some that think that the taxpayer should be the first port of call for supporting the way which our courts operate. The courts are a key part of our democratic process. It is part of what makes us all safe. Safe in so many ways. Safe from the criminals, safe from the abuse of power. It is exactly the sort of thing that the raising of tax revenue should pay for. At the very least tax revenue should pay for the courts before it pays for a big plane for the PM to use see his mates in Saudi Arabia. But that may just be me. 

Gove’s statement did, at least, get me thinking. What if he is right? What if the public should not foot the bill for certain parts of the democratic process? What if we could find other ways of raising money on the back of keeping civilisation civilised?

Perhaps Mr Gove should look a little closer to home. How about a House of Commons Waffle Charge? A £100 per minute charge levied on MPs who want to filibuster in order to frustrate the work of the House of Commons. So those great and dedicated public servants like Philip Davies, who spoke for 93 minutes to defeat a Bill that would have given carers free parking at hospitals, can put his hand in his pocket.  By all means he should be able to exercise his democratic right to defeat legislation having a long argument rather than a reasoned, winning one, but why should the public pay? Implement my scheme and the public could have pocketed £7800 profit. And we could have made £3700 when he did it again to thwart compulsory first aid training for schoolkids.

Why stop there? At a tenner each time that the Prime Minister fails to answer a question we could all have a private jet by next Easter. Peers getting expenses for tipping up to the House of Lords? Why should the taxpayer be the first port of call for supporting the way our unelected second house operates? 

And may be the cost of every harebrained Government scheme that ends up scrapped should come out of the pension pots of those involved. The £6 million wasted on the ridiculous secure college for young offenders would make a heck of a dent in the pensions of Grayling and a few senior civil servants. Why should the public be the first port of call to support their incompetence? 

So Mr Gove, do the right thing when it comes to the injustice of the Criminal Courts Charge. Do not allow this ridiculous state of affairs to be governed by a fiction of a budget. And if you need to make up the shortfall, pop ten pence in a swearbox every time you think of a bad word in connection with Mr Grayling. “F.O. Chris!” You’ll soon be quids in. 

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